At Desi weddings, everyone seems to think there is a dire need to impress your community and throw a big party.
Newsflash: Most people leave after the food (especially if you’re at a typical semi-conservative Muslim South Asian wedding).
Here are some of the types of people you might see at a typical South Asian wedding:
1. The overdressed
They have the blingy outfit, head jewelry, and contouring down like a pro. It might as well be their wedding too. Like really, am I the only one can’t tell who the bride is sometimes?
2. The underdressed
Sometimes it’s day 5 of wedding events and you just can’t keep up anymore. Plus the fashion is changing every season, from long shirts, to short, to midway, to a high-low style. You might become a social outcast and fit in with the ‘overdressed’ population, but you don’t care. It might even keep the rishta aunties away.
3. The rishta aunty trying to take your photo and trying to sneak in some questions at the same time
“Oh beta, you look so nice, now what do you study?”
I study political science with a focus in escape tactics.
4. The ones hoping that there will be a huge Bollywood flash mob
And wouldn’t it be even more amazing if Shah Rukh Khan was in the middle of it all?
5. The one who is unaware of Desi standard time
You show up at 6 p.m. and no one is there. What’s worse is dinner isn’t served till 10 p.m., but it’s okay because you can finally get your hands on some chicken tikka masala.
But hold up, it’s too spicy, so you decide to counteract the spice with some sauce that resembles yogurt — but, wait, that’s spicy too. Now you’re hungry and your mouth is burning the rest of the night.
Next time, eat before you come.
6. The people too busy taking selfies and uploading videos to Snapchat that the bride and groom will never see unless they look at them in the next 24 hours
Meanwhile, they’re blocking that very expensive photographer or videographer recording the moments that will actually matter to the couple.
7. The ones who aren’t invited and are bitter about it
But hey, at least people who aren’t invited can follow along with your Snapchat story. 400 seconds of snaps? Who does that?
Oh yes, you do. And I appreciate it when I am not invited to a wedding.
8. The ones to whom ‘Reserved’ signs and name cards mean nothing
If it’s an empty table, it’s fair game. This applies to chairs too. Too often, one table ends up with 15 chairs.
9. The hopeful singles trying to meet someone (but that doesn’t work when all the aunties and uncles are watching your every move)
10. The ones who weren’t invited, but decided to crash the wedding anyway
Now there are an extra sixty people at the wedding reception in a banquet hall that is already crowded. The hall is now rolling out extra tables because a ‘+1’ got interpreted as you plus your entire family.
11. Finally, the ones just trying to have a good time
I see you!