Humor

These are the 4 best ways to stop men from catcalling you

Basically, the moral of the story is this: women don’t want to get catcalled? Don’t wait for anything. Cross the street when the light is red.

One of the many incredible elements of life that bonds us women together is the overwhelming and, let’s say, unique, experience of getting catcalled while waiting at the bus stop. Or waiting for the walk sign to light up. Or waiting for your double-shot macchiato. Basically, the moral of the story is this: women don’t want to get catcalled? Don’t wait for anything. Cross the street when the light is red. Boycott the coffee industry. Who needs the bus? Just don’t leave your house.

Obviously, such a drastic change will take time to blend into modern society – what, with all this “feminism” and talk about the “right to respect” floating around.

While we are waiting on these crucial changes to be made, I, personally, would like to offer one of my many great services to society: advice. Here are a few creative ways to react to catcalling, while we wait for the coffee industry and the need for transportation to die down.

 1. Do the worm.

WWE female wrestler doing the worm
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Now, we all know that men like girls who “drop it to the floor.” Don’t believe me? Excuse me – my sources are experts on the female gender: Waka Flocka Flame, Kanye West, and Pitbull have all confirmed my theory that doing the worm will solve all potential problems a woman may have.

Believe me: this simple dance move, accompanied with flailing arms and dripping saliva, is the perfect immediate response to catcalling.

2. Cackle loudly.

Witch from Snow White cackling and hiding
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From recent years, it has been properly noted that during the time of the year that Americans tend to call “Halloween,” men become quite fond of girls dressed up as witches.

In regards to this activity, go the extra mile! No casual witch cosplay is complete without the cackling. Rubbing your hands together methodically is also a nice addition to this act.

3. Realize he is your long-lost birth father.

Minions waving
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You turn around to look at your catcaller – but the scene before you is not what you expect. Your eyes widen and begin to water. You open your mouth and finally manage to gurgle out a single word: “Dad?”

Of course, meeting your long-lost birth father is an exciting event – do not just leave at that! Increase the volume of your voice as you call your dear father’s name more and more enthusiastically. Waving helps to garner their attention as well. Is he in a vehicle? Chase that vehicle! Don’t let him get away so easily after leaving you alone with your imposter parents. 

4. Stuff your face with whatever you have in your hands.

Ron Weasley eating two drumsticks
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Due to the amount of shirtless, lip-biting white boys on the internet who have been holding up signs that say “You’re beautiful,” you girls can now all be rest assured that nobody will judge you for eating too much, even if what is in your hands is not particularly edible! They have changed the face of society, truly.

Thus, show these men your gratitude by stuffing your mouth with whatever you are holding in your hands. Just bought some fries? You’re lucky. Just bought some furniture? Even better.

As you can evidently see through my articulate research and critical thought above, I have become somewhat of a professional in the field of catcalling. Please do not hesitate to react to these calls in the manners that I have described above – they will, without a doubt, leave you fulfilled and satisfied.